So I have this thing… when I’m out and about with the kids and I’m starting to repeat myself in an attempt to get Little Mister’s attention because he has started to wander off and I want him to stay with me, I get anxious. I get nervous that people are looking at me and thinking that I can’t handle my kids. I start to believe that people are judging me because my child doesn’t seem to listen to me and for some stupid reason, in my head, I equate this to not respecting me.
This is hardly the case. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I have no question that Little Mister respects me. I know that he can listen to me and follow directions. But when we are in a store, he can get so focused on what he’s looking at that it’s as if he zones me out.
Today, it was at Hobby Lobby. We were in an aisle where party items were on one side and puzzles were on the other. While I was looking at the party items, getting ready for Little Miss’s first birthday, Little Mister was going down the row looking at the pictures on the puzzle boxes. This was innocent enough and he was staying relatively close to me, not being destructive, so I let him be. But when I was done on the aisle, I asked him to come with me.
Did he come with me? Nope.
I repeated myself. Did he follow? Ha! He was so focused on those pictures on the boxes that, if I’m being honest, I’m not sure his brain processed me calling for him. Sure, he heard me, but he wasn’t listening for me.
After calling for him to follow three times, I walked over to him, crouched down to get on his level, made eye contact with him, and asked him to follow me.
Am I always this calm? Heck no! Sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I become a little short with him.
It’s a difficult balance, trying to be an attentive parent, ensuring that your children follow whatever instructions you may be giving, while allowing them to have some independence. It’s a balance that I rarely am able to achieve.
I plan some of my blog posts weeks in advance. When I mentioned to my husband tonight what I was planning to write about, his response was, “That’s funny considering how Little Mister tested your patience so much today!”
And it is funny. Because in reality, patience as a parent looks much different than patience as you might have it with anyone else.
When it comes to patience as a parent, you have to be kinder. You have to be gentler. You have to remember that the time schedule of the child is very different from yours and their understanding is skewed.
Patience as a parent means understanding time is just a number.
For a child, 10 minutes will seem like hours. For a baby, 10 minutes seems like an eternity.
This afternoon I had a doctors appointment. At one point I had to lay on my side for 10 minutes while drops were put in my ear. Those 10 minutes while Little Miss cried and cried trying to get to me were the longest 10 minutes. But for however long they were for me, they were even longer for her.
That’s because children don’t understand that there is an end to the waiting. They don’t understand a time schedule you may be on and how long different things may take. This concept is still foreign to them.
Patience as a parent means getting on their level.
When I’m having the hardest time getting Little Mister to focus, when I’ve repeated myself countless times, I find that the best thing is to get on his level. I crouch down, I become equal, and we play a game. I have him touch his nose, eyes, ears, hair, etc, as fast as he can until I know that his focus has returned back to me.
It’s a simple game. But if I can pull his attention from whatever toy or activity seems to have it before me, then I call it a win.
Children are a little bit like goldfish. Their worlds are always changing and there is always something new to discover so their attention is so often fractured. Because of this, we as parents need to often find the patience and understanding of how to direct their attention back to us. We don’t need to force our children to have blinders for whatever it is we are doing, but we need to help limit the overwhelming nature of the world so that they can practice focusing on specific objects, activities, or people.
Patience as a parent means getting a little messy.
It took forever trying to get Little Miss to eat solid foods. We started trying solids with her around 6 months old. It wasn’t until she was 10 months old before she really took to it. In the four months between, we got a little messy.
We had food thrown on us, wiped on us, dropped on us. Food was everywhere on the floor (luckily we have a dog we lovingly call our Hoover). Life was messy. It was frustrating at times. Little Mister was a great eater from his very first food. This was one of our first experiences where there was such a large difference between our children. But we had to have patience and faith that she would start to actually eat the foods and there would be less and less messes.
Life with children is messy. I was trying to pick up the house tonight and, as I walked through trying to grab what I could to put away, I kept seeing more and more things. I mentioned this to my husband and he referenced The Godfather, Part III.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in.”
With children, patience through the mess, memories from the messy, becomes a part of life. Just when you think you’re done, you’ve cleaned everything up, you’ll get pulled right back into the mess. Patience that the mess is part of the memories they are building will help make things seem better.
Patience as a parent means deep breaths.
From the moment we go into labor with our babies, we are told to take deep breaths. We breathe through contraction after contraction, patiently waiting to hear that tiny cry (or in Little Miss’s case – very loud cry). Our need to breathe to gather our patience starts so early and it never stops.
Sometimes life can be painful like a contraction. Sure, it doesn’t feel like our whole abdomen is crunching in on itself, crushing our insides, but it can be painful in other ways. Our kids will test us, try us, and we will have days where we just want to crawl in bed, maybe cry a little, and start again the next day.
But it’s only lunch time. We can’t do that yet. We still have to feed the kids, change diapers, find things to ensure they are entertained and not destructive, make dinner, do housework, entertain some more, and then get the kids ready and in bed. It’s not easy feat and comes with very little recognition. And then, after all of that is done, what do we do? We sit down, relax and…
Take a deep breath.
Patience as a parent means hugs and snuggles.
When the world is overwhelming and life is getting stressful, our children will start to break down. Not only may they be feeding off of our stress, but they may be having a hard time, too.
The best cure, for both parents and kids, for when life is too much and patience is thin is hugs and snuggles.
I don’t know what it is, but one of the kids may be wearing my patience down, they may be acting an absolute fool, but if I just grab them up in a tight hug, tell them I love them, and shower them with kisses, things seem to get just a little bit better. My world seems to realign just a little better.
I know I won’t always keep my patience, I may be at my wits end, but reminding them that I love them reminds myself. It’s a little bit like an alarm going off in my head that love can be more powerful than my anger or frustration. Reminding myself of my love for them helps it click that they are just little, they may not understand what I’m trying to say or how I’m feeling.
Nothing cures a little frustration (and makes a wild child seem like your little baby again) like a hug and a snuggle.
So next time you’re in a store and your child is throwing an epic tantrum because you’re trying to pull them away from the toys or they’re refusing to eat the carefully planned and cooked dinner you made for them or they’re upset that you aren’t able to hold them right then and there because you’re helping their sibling wash their hands or any other number of things, take a deep breath, remember they’re still little, and find that extra little bit of patience that you can.
We are have those times and we are all here to help. It’s ok to lose your patience every now and then. We have all been there. 🙂