Most of us have heard about IQ. We generally understand that IQ is our “intelligence quotient” and can be measured by different types of standardized tests. But have you heard of social emotional intelligence, otherwise known as EQ or EI (Emotional Quotient or Emotional Intelligence)?
As our kids grow and develop, we want them to understand more than just their letters and numbers. We want them to be able to identify the social understandings around them as well as be able to identify and empathize with other individuals around them.
A child may have a high IQ and low EQ or vice versa. They may have high of both. But just like we can foster their knowledge regarding numbers, letters, and more, so can we foster the development of their social emotional intelligence.
Background and Definition
From the Institute for Social + Emotional Intelligence, social emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of our own and others’ feelings and to be able to appropriately use this information to lead ourselves and others while in the moment.
Though the idea of emotional intelligence has been around for a while, quietly challenging the importance of IQ, Daniel Goleman truly brought the idea of social emotional intelligence and social emotional learning to the forefront. In 1995, Goleman published the book Social Intelligence. In this, he defined emotional intelligence, stating that it included skills, impulses, and motivations that one may use for interpersonal relationships.
After this book was published, schools and workplaces started to use these ideas to create programs and curriculum that helped students and employees develop their social emotional intelligence.
There are generally understood to be four parts of social emotional intelligence – self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and social skills. You may be stronger in one of these skills than another, but together they create your social emotional intelligence.
Self-Awareness:
- Emotional self-awareness (the ability to understand your own emotions and how they impact others and your work)
- Accurate self-assessment (a realistic evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses)
- Self-confidence
Self-Management:
- Self-control
- Trustworthiness
- Conscientiousness
- Adaptability
- Achievement orientation (the desire to meet an internal level of excellence)
- Initiative
Social Awareness:
- Empathy
- Organizational awareness (the ability to understand and navigate the organizational structure of a group)
- Service orientation (the ability to recognize and meet another’s needs)
Social Skills:
- Leadership
- Influence
- Developing others (a desire and ability to help others grow)
- Communication and conflict management
- Building bonds
- Teamwork
One of the great things about these four skills that make up social emotional intelligence is that you can focus on just one skill and work on developing it specifically. This makes incorporating it into your child’s development a little bit easier.
Understanding What it Means
So what does it mean to have a high social emotional intelligence?
Children with a high social emotional intelligence are:
- Better relationships with other children
- Perceived more positively by others
- Better family relationships
- Better academic achievement
- Better self-esteem and mental health
- Better self-understanding
With all of those positives from high social emotional intelligence, you can see why it’s so important to foster it in our children!
Our children who are able to develop their social emotional intelligence will better be able understand their own feelings and how those affect others as well as show empathy to others. They will be able to question and evaluate their actions and the influence they have on others. They will be able to control impulses better and persevere when things become challenging.
If you address the social and emotional needs of a child, develop their social and emotional intelligence, they will feel more secure in their surroundings, less anxious regarding other’s emotions, and that security will lead to a higher level of learning overall.
Identifying Social Emotional Intelligence in my Child
This is where you look at me and go, “That’s all fine and dandy, Andrea, but what the heck does that mean for my kid?” You may even be wondering if your child has social emotional intelligence. So here is a story:
Before writing this post, I spent an evening talking with my mom on this subject. She used to hold sessions for parents and teachers regarding this very topic, so I knew I would be able to get a plethora of good information from her. As we were talking, she made a comment that surprised me. She said, “Little Mister has high social emotional intelligence.”
I was a bit dumbfounded. Not that I don’t think my child isn’t kind-hearted – in fact, he’s one of the most kind-hearted kiddos I know – but Little Mister also will laugh when I’m crying. I’m not sure I would identify that as a child with high social emotional intelligence.
But here’s the difference – I’ve come to realize that he’s laughing because he understands that I’m upset. He aware of my emotions and he understands that he holds the ability to make me smile, laugh, and feel better by being happy. This is very basic, as it would be for a toddler.
Social emotional intelligence is different, however, from being emotional or emotionally sensitive. It is the difference between considering how your emotions affect another person rather than how another person’s emotions are affecting you. Both have emotional influences, but one is looking outwards at how you influence those around you versus the other is about how others are influencing you.
Being able to identify social emotional intelligence in a young child may not be obvious. Many times, they are still trying to understand basic concepts such as sharing or taking turns. Young children are still trying to understand general labels for feelings, much less understand how another may feel based on social cues.
Start by separating out the four “skills” of social emotional intelligence. By focusing on one skill at a time, not only will you be able to identify strengths and weaknesses, but it will also give you an idea of how to develop your child’s social emotional intelligence. Think about your child, how they interact with others, how they identify other’s emotions, and ask yourself the following questions…
How well does my child understand how their emotions influence others, such as friends and family? Do they understand how their words and actions impact others? (Self-Awareness)
Does my child work well on their own and have independence during play time? Can they adapt when there are obstacles without much guidance? (Self-Management)
How well does my child empathize with others? Can they see when a friend needs something, such as a hug or smile, and provide that for them? Are they aware when others may need something, even if they aren’t sure they can give it, will they try and meet the other’s needs? (Social Awareness)
How well does my child work with their friends to accomplish a similar goal? Can they play with the same toy with others at the same time, such as building a tower together or creating a train track? (Social Skills)
Fostering Social Emotional Intelligence
Before we even begin to try to foster social emotional intelligence, we must ensure one thing first. We must ensure that the basic needs, such as food, shelter, safety, and belonging are met for our child. If these needs are not met, then the chance that your child will still look inwardly towards meeting their own needs will be greater. Once they are able to have the confidence that those needs are met, they will start to look towards how they can positively influence others.
So here is where the little Disney/Pixar fan in me perks up. Think of the movie Inside Out. There were five basic emotions in the movie – Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear and Disgust. Through the progression of the movie we learn that all emotions, complex and simple, are based on these five emotions.
Most scholars believe that there are five basic emotions that drive all more complex emotions – happy, sad, angry, afraid, and ashamed. It does not surprise me how close these are to the basic emotions from Inside Out. Much like what we discover in the movie, no emotion is good or bad, they just are and all are important. Understanding and being able to label emotions, both the ones they are feeling as well as identifying what others may be feeling is an important first step towards fostering social emotional intelligence.
There is a parenting trend that is becoming increasingly common. When a child is upset, a parent may say something like, “I understand that you are feeling…” and then label the emotion. Here is the issue with this – though it may seem like you are helping them to identify the feeling, you are actually hindering their ability to identify the emotions on their own. Instead, try using the wording, “I wonder if you are feeling…” and then give several emotions. Ask your child to describe how they are feeling, even if it’s physical attributes (“I feel like I want to cry.” “My chest hurts.” “I feel like I can’t smile big enough.”) Being able to grasp physical attributes that are associated with the emotions will help them to learn to identify the emotions more quickly.
Use books and movies to help reinforce identifying and understanding how another may feel. Again, I’m the Disney fan so I love using Disney and Pixar movies for this purpose. The characters can be so expressive! So here is an example that I’ve used with Little Mister (spoiler alert in case you haven’t see Tangled).
Shortly after leaving her tower, Rapunzel starts to feel a whole HOST of emotions. From sadness to giddiness, terror and fear to resolve. Each time she switches emotions, pause the movie and ask your child how she feels. How do they know how she feels? What are some of the things she is doing or saying?
This is an easy exercise to do with your child’s favorite movie or book. The next step is to ask them if they’ve ever felt that way? What was happening to make them feel that emotion? What did it feel like to them? How can you relate to how the character is feeling?
Asking open ended questions such as these and allowing your child to answer (however long it takes) is important to helping not only identify the emotions, but also to foster empathy and their social emotional intelligence.
Social emotional intelligence is so incredibly important in being a successful individual in the world. Luckily, we can work on our own social emotional intelligence as well as help foster it in our children. By encouraging their social emotional intelligence, we are ensuring their success as well as contributing towards making society a better, more empathetic world.