So 2019 is coming to a close. I can’t believe that today is the last day of the year. There were times when the year seemed to move so slowly and then it would just speed through other months. I would blink and suddenly my children were doing something new, learning something different, exploring and letting their curiosity guide them through their lives. I blinked and they were just a little bit older; they were just a little bit wiser; they were a little bit more independent and needed me just a little bit less.
I decided that I was going to do the word for the year again. Unlike resolutions that I never seem to be able to hold onto for longer than a few weeks, a word was much more like a guiding force for my year. When I chose the word perseverance for my word of 2019, it was chosen from a place of struggle. It was chosen because I had projects I was starting, hopes and dreams that I wanted to follow through on, and chosen because of the inspiration from watching my children continuously try to learn new things.
The past few weeks, I started thinking about what word I would choose for 2020. I wanted to sit on it, think about it, and let the word come to me. A few words bounced around in my head – family, time, and faith being some of the leading contenders. It was one night, after a frustrating experience the day before, that a word popped into my head and I knew that it was meant to be my word for 2020.
FORGIVENESS
There are three parts to forgiveness – forgiveness by others, forgiveness for others, and forgiveness of self.
Forgiveness is mentioned multiple times in Bible. Jesus tasked us with forgiveness, demonstrating for us the ultimate in forgiveness. Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things for us to do as humans. It can often be much easier to hold onto something that hurt or upset us. Refusing to forgive can be toxic, festering inside of us and causing more and more hurt.
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Luke 6:37
Forgiveness by Others
When I was thinking about the different types of forgiveness, this one seemed the easiest that I will be able to take on this coming year. I can’t control whether or not someone forgives me, that has to be done in their heart. But I can apologize. Saying the words, “I’m sorry,” are sometimes some of the hardest words to say.
The particular times that come to mind are when I’ve fought with my husband or my mom. It isn’t that I’m not sorry or that I don’t want their forgiveness, but rather that so often we are in a place of familiarity that the argument just seems to peter out and we move on with our lives, completely bypassing the forgiveness part.
But the truth is that it’s important for our children to see my husband and I apologize and forgive each other. And even more importantly, it’s crucial that they see us follow through. My son is in a stage where he will apologize for doing something, like throwing his LEGOs, but then he’ll turn around and do it again right after he apologized. I don’t think he does it maliciously, but rather, the word sorry for him is still just a word – it holds no meaning yet. He just knows that it’s something he should say. Like a task to check off so that he can get back to his play time.
By modeling asking for forgiveness and then following through by not doing the action for which we asked forgiveness for, I will show our children the meaning of the words, “I’m sorry,” as well as how to show respect for the other person.
Because in the end, asking for forgiveness of yourself is the least about you. It’s about showing respect. It’s about acknowledging that the other person has feelings and emotions.
Forgiveness for Others
This one is a little bit harder. It’s a little harder than just asking for forgiveness and allowing the other person to feel as they will. Forgiving others requires changing the feelings in your heart. It is always much easier said than done.
I recently realized how the lack of forgiveness for others had begun to affect me.
Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things for us to do as humans. It can often be much easier to hold onto something that hurt or upset us. Refusing to forgive can be toxic, festering inside of us and causing more and more hurt.
It didn’t happen all at once, but rather a little bit by bit over time. Something would happen, and I wouldn’t forgive. Another something would happen, and I wouldn’t be able to forgive. It kept building and building until a final something, and I felt the bitterness fester in me, boiling and seething.
Suddenly, I was so angry at someone I love that it was about to affect my relationship with them. And not just my relationship with this individual, but my children’s relationship with them.
I know, without a doubt, that this person will never ask for forgiveness. They probably don’t even realize that they did anything wrong or that they hurt others. But the amazing thing about forgiveness of others is that I don’t have to wait for their apology. Forgiveness of others doesn’t hinge on their knowledge of the hurt they’ve caused.
Unlike asking for forgiveness which is for the other person, forgiveness of others is purely selfish. Forgiveness of others is allowing yourself to move forward and to move through the pain.
Repeated throughout the old and new testament, forgiveness of others leads to forgiveness of ourselves. The more willing we are to forgive others, our own forgiveness is easier and the easier it is to seek forgiveness for our mistakes and faults. The easier it is to see our imperfections.
Forgiveness of Ourselves
This is, by far, the hardest of the three. Especially as parents, we hold onto our mistakes and we fear all the ways we have damaged our children. We constantly remind ourselves, beating ourselves into the ground, about all the things we’ve done wrong. Big or small, an isolated incident or a repeating occurrence, it doesn’t seem to change how hard it is to forgive ourselves.
Forgiveness of myself is the one I know the least about because I struggle with it on a daily basis. I will internally harp on a mistake I’ve made until I feel bruised and battered. Sometimes it will feel as though I can’t think about it anymore, I will move on, but then a few days or months later and I will realize that I never really forgave myself – I’m still punishing myself for the mistakes.
God has forgiven me. Jesus was sacrificed so that I am forgiven. If God has forgiven me, why would I be so special that I can’t forgive myself?
I am a perfectionist, so the constant reminding myself of my mistakes, of where I’ve taken missteps, is part of who I am. Because of that, forgiveness of myself will be something in particular that I want to focus on for the upcoming year.
I will falter as a mom, I will stumble as a wife, and I will have moments of fault as a daughter and sister. By focusing on forgiveness in 2020, I want to grant myself the forgiveness that I am willing to give others. I want to learn that I deserve the respect of forgiveness just as others do.
God has forgiven me. Jesus was sacrificed so that I am forgiven. If God has forgiven me, why would I be so special that I can’t forgive myself? God’s forgiveness is the most important. He has seen me in all my faults, He knows all of my mistakes and stumbling, and yet He loves me. He loves me and has forgiven me.
Taking on the word forgiveness as representative of my upcoming year will surely be a task. It will be trying, and I will not always be as quick to forgive as I hope to be. But hopefully by focusing on the word, on the actions, and on the feelings behind forgiveness, I might become just a little better at it and my love with others and my faith will become just a little stronger.