Last week someone I love and respect questioned how I parent. Whether they were or not, it felt as though my children, their respect, and their behavior was under attack. I felt a little blindsided. It didn’t help that earlier that day, Little Mister had pulled the fire alarm at school. This is not ok, but in his defense, I don’t think he realized what it was or what it did – it just seemed like something to pull. At the very least, I don’t think I had explained to him what would happen and he is only 3 – I’m just amazed he could reach the fire alarm.
So needless to say, I was a little raw when this person made the comment. I was already doubting myself a little and then to have them say that and to insinuate that others felt that way, too? I spent a bit of time crying to my husband, questioning our parenting choices.
And then the next day I talked with my mom.
I talked through how I felt, how I parent, and why it bothered me so much.
And she told me that old mantra that she’s told me for years – be a ducky.
She tells that to me when she wants me to try to let things roll off instead of taking them too personally. Like how water rolls off a duck.
She reminded me that my children do respect me, my husband, and her as well as other adults. She reminded me how independent and self-motivated they are. She reminded me about their curiosity. She reminded me about Little Mister’s kindness and how Little Miss is determined to see fairness in the world, even though she’s only 1. My mom reminded me that my parenting isn’t wrong, just different.
Every day we are faced with people questioning our parenting choices. We all parent in different ways and even between children. The way one child responds to us may be different from how another child responds. They have different needs and personalities and require different parenting choices.
So all being said – there will always be others who judge your parenting choices. There will be older parents who feel you may not discipline harshly enough and there will be younger parents who feel you don’t allow enough freedom (and vice versa!). There will be other parents who make choices you wouldn’t and you may make a choice in how you parent that seems completely foreign to them. You will be questioned. You will have moments where you see someone watching you with a critical eye. You will have to answer for your choices. It is how it is in this world.
So how do we build up that tough skin? How do we remain confident in the choices we have without allowing ourselves to become swallowed in self doubt?
It’s hard. And it’s not always possible.
1. Surround yourself with supportive people.
This doesn’t always mean that they will agree with you or worship the ground you walk on. This means that these people will be there for you to lean on. They will be your sounding board and encourage you to be the best parent you can be. They may remind you of some harsh truths occasionally, but they will do it with love and reminders of all the wonderful things you do for your children.
2. Snuggle your kids.
This seems a little silly but I promise – there is no bad feeling that I little snuggle time can’t help ease. When I’ve had a rough day or have felt attacked for something I did, I sit down and snuggle with my kids. Luckily, they’re still young enough that they like to snuggle, but when they get older, I expect them to at least be able to give me a hug – if grudgingly – when I ask.
3. Talk with your partner.
Sometimes we may have different ideas on how to parent than our partner, and that’s ok on the outset. That’s why communication is so important. There are so many times when either I or my husband make a parenting choice that maybe wasn’t the best and we talk it through. What was a better way to handle the situation? How should we respond next time (because there is always a next time with toddlers)? What works better for Little Mister or Little Miss? How can we be on the same page to support each other?
These are all questions that you can ask each other daily. There is always a new situation or discipline to figure out and work through. Constructively working through how these should be handled will help keep stress out of your relationship as well as build you closer together. This will also help when others question your parenting choices because you will present a united front.
4. Remember that only you know what goes on behind closed doors.
We spend all day with our kids, even if you work full time. You are with your kids so often that we spend more time making parenting choices than not. Others don’t see your kids nearly as often – they only see them for a split moment in time and their opinions will be colored by that. Even my mom, who we see several times a week, really only sees them a small percentage in the grand scheme of things. So when others are judging our children and our parenting choices, they are doing so with very little knowledge of reality.
She tells to be a ducky when she wants me to try to let things roll off instead of taking them too personally. Like how water rolls off a duck.We all know that our kids have off moments. We know that our kids may be having a day that isn’t their best, just as we all do. And that’s ok. Our kids may even act completely different when they are around certain people because of a multitude of emotions such as excitement or fear, and this will change their normal behavior. Try to remember that someone’s judgement on your worst day is not a true reflection of you.
5. Reflect how you wish to be seen.
This is sometimes a hard one. Especially in today’s social media outpouring of posts. We see what others post on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter and feel the need to have a say in what is seen. And often, what is seen on these sites is only a brief glimpse or a facade of the reality.
So I challenge you to not look at a photo on social media and judge, even inwardly, about the parent. I challenge you to not hear a child crying in a store and wonder why the parent isn’t doing something. I challenge you to help rather than hurt with your thoughts and actions.
When we come together to help one another, regardless of who we are, what we look like, and whether our parenting style is the same, we show our kids that kindness is important. We demonstrate compassion over judgement. We work to instill a helping hand in our children.
6. Have calm responses ready in your tool box.
The number one way to build up a tough skin? Have calm responses ready in your tool box for when you are questioned. And remember – you aren’t going to change that person’s mind. If you do? That’s a plus. Maybe they’ll see a different perspective that they didn’t consider. But go into the response knowing you may not change their mind, and that’s ok. They are allowed to have their parenting style, too.Sometimes just having the response will help receive the judgement a little easier. When you know and understand why you make the choices you make, you can justify them to yourself and the rest doesn’t matter quite as much. The important part is to remain calm when you respond. You don’t need to start a battle or an argument. You don’t need to make everyone parent the way you do. You can just explain, “This is the way I’ve chosen to parent because…”
When we come together to help one another, regardless of who we are, what we look like, and whether our parenting style is the same, we show our kids that kindness is important. We demonstrate compassion over judgement. We work to instill a helping hand in our children.Sometimes just having the response will help receive the judgement a little easier. When you know and understand why you make the choices you make, you can justify them to yourself and the rest doesn’t matter quite as much. The important part is to remain calm when you respond. You don’t need to start a battle or an argument. You don’t need to make everyone parent the way you do. You can just explain, “This is the way I’ve chosen to parent because…”
Having tough skin as a parent is hard. When our parenting choices are called into question, it feels as though our children are being threatened and judged. No parent wants to feel like we are not good or worthy. We are all just trying to do our best by our children and our families.
And even when you have the hard days – even if your child decides to pull the fire alarm – the next day you will have a moment or a story told to you that makes you smile.
Tuesday, Little Mister pulled the fire alarm. On Thursday, his teachers told us a story about how he found a toy for one of his friends who didn’t have one and was upset. Everyday is new. Everyday we do the best we can, and that’s okay.